i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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