Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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