She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
