they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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