My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
