Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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