New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
