Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
