What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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