I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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