so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We got so high we made milksteak
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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