Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
