im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
