They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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