If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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