I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
