Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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