Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
