sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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