tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
