im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize