i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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