New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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