she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
