Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
