I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
