my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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