theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
