I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
