Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You can't special order awesome
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
