I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
