Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's never too late to be topless.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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