Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
