It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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