so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
