Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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