go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
