Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
