I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
