I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I will pee on everything he values.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
