I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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