I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Ketchup is God's man juice
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
