Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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