I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
