the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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