She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He passed out mid-signature
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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