I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can text with my tongue
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
