God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Randomize
