I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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