He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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