The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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