Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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