I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
