I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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