you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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