your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
