As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
