somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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