I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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