I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
