we're chasing vodka with high fives
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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