Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize