Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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