I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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