On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
