i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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