1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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