chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
